Chris Bellman's Blog

Hello. It’s me.

I’ve blogged off and on throughout my life. Most recently I did this as part of Ohio State’s Buckeye Leadership Fellows program (where most of these blog posts came from). Before that, I had mostly blogged about technology (http://freetechnologytips.com).

After taking almost a year off, I’ve decided to start blogging again. I think I’m going to use this blog for personal things and start posting to Free Technology Tips again with whatever tech things I come across (I’m starting on some new projects, so I’ll post updates there).

That’s all for now. I’ll try to post again here before 2017 ;).

I drafted this on 3/9/15. Never finished / posted it for some reason. Posting it now to have a record. I might do a more complete follow-up post at some point because I have more thoughts about this topic.

I’ve recently gotten really into the show Looking on HBO GO. “Looking is an American comedy-drama television series about a group of gay friends living in San Francisco” (Wikipedia).

Tonight while watching the latest episode, I had an “ah-ha” moment. Two of the main characters (Kevin and Patrick) were at a dance (“prom”) slow dancing and I felt connected to the experience and hopeful in a way that I don’t normally feel watching straight couples. Then I realized this is something that a lot of non-privileged people face. I think this applies to a lot of situations…

• Impoverished students (thinking back to our Weinland Park challenge) that never see educated, successful people in their lives. Or, possibly worse, see educated and successful white people but think that level of success is unattainable because of their race or socioeconomic status.
• Women don’t see a lot of female CEO’s, so when they do it’s refreshing / inspiring.
• African / black Americans possibly never thought they could be president, so when Obama was elected they were very excited.

We were in a meeting tonight and decided to have everyone give some life updates. Anna spoke about how she’s Founder & CEO of her capstone idea / startup company that’s now formed with a very cool idea and patent filed. She’s spending the summer in San Francisco incubating her idea. Deep is presenting at Harvard Business School and doing some other incredible things. A few Fellows have gotten into medical school. Ilhan is going to a program in Spain. Kevin just did some incredible military ninja stuff. Balpreet is slowly changing the world (in Cincinnati this time).

Meanwhile Andrea and I are exchanging “what are we doing with our lives, though” glances:

It’s not a bad thing. I think she’s in a similar boat to me; I’m very happy with my path and excited for the future. However, through BLF we are surrounded by so many incredible people that graduating and getting a job with a good company just doesn’t seem like that great of an accomplishment. The “magic” of BLF is that everyone is doing incredible things, and that makes you in turn live up to your full potential. Am I really going to stay in and watch Netflix while Anna is out launching what could easily become a multi-million dollar company? Maybe. But probably not. I’m going to work on my projects and endeavors and try to compete with the bar that has already been set so high.

Me working on my capstone.

Ohio State’s Motto. When you read it, you might react like Park and Recreation’s Ben Wyatt does to Li’l Sebastian from:

It means Education for Citizenship. It’s funny; I would have thought that by senior year I would have heard it 1,000 times, but somehow I think I can count on one hand the number of times it’s been discussed.

Online, this motto is discussed as:

• Understanding Citizenship
• Exploring what has meaning and gives purpose to your life
• Integrate social responsibility into your career plan to create meaningful work

I read an article discussing how Ohio State fails to live up to this motto. And to some extent, I don’t disagree. I’ve only taken one or two classes that I feel have made me a better person or citizen, but then again I am an engineer.

Where I feel like this has been most talked about is in the Buckeye Leadership Fellows program. We’ve completed workshops surrounding understanding citizenship and being intentional in your life. We’ve had several challenges that integrate social responsibility. We’ve even traveled across the world to India to learn lessons and gain perspectives on the world & United States, which have enabled us to better understand global citizenship.

This motto means a lot to me because it speaks to my involvements. Everything I’ve been involved in at Ohio State really falls into one of these categories. Buckeye Leadership Fellows as mentioned above. Student-Alumni Council focuses on advancement and service to the university community. Fine By Me dealt with social responsibility of making others feel welcome on campus. College Mentors for Kids (I’m their tech guy) helps impoverished students realize their full potential. Mortar Board has done many service activities for the campus and Columbus communities. Breath. All of these really fall into what I would define as good citizenship, and I think that’s really special.

The next time you see this Disciplina in Civitatem, don’t be Ryan Gosling:

P.S. I’m getting a tattoo on the back of my shoulder in a few weeks. This motto may somehow be incorporated…Don’t tell my mom ;). Also worth sharing: when I asked my roommate if I should get a tattoo, he replied “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley”. Ignoring his advice for once.

Update 3/1/15: Dr. J obviously reads my blog; she just posted something on Disciplina in Civitatem here.

I’m going to list some quotes I try to live by. I copied and pasted these over time into an Evernote document, so I don’t have sources / citations for a lot of them.

Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life. – Robin Sharma

I’d accuse a lot of my family members of this. I want to travel and live a varied life. I want to go to new places and be constantly learning / exploring / changing things up.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Guilty. Done this. Both with friends and boys. Actually I’m still guilty of this with one of my old friends but I’ll get over it. I think I actually sent him this quote when I found it and yelled at him.

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I just searched Giphy for “boys” (lol). Also, THIS GIF IS FROM THE O.C. Which incidentally, is the show that made me want to move to / live in California, and the show that made me realize I was gay. So like. The emotions.

You spend your whole life stuck in a labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present. – John Green

This kind of hit me in the face when I read it. I think I spent a lot of high school / early college dreaming of living on the beach / in California / being happy. And then I realized that I wasn’t seizing the day (CARPE DIEM) or being happy now. So I decided to try to be unapologetically me and take steps to improve my life now.

And I just decided I’m going to try to use GIFs of The O.C. whenever possible.

Sometimes you forget how little you have to do to influence someone in a positive way.

Love this. It hasn’t happened to me often, but I’ve had people come up to me after a conversation of meeting and tell me I said or did something that really impacted them. I try to tell people whenever they have this effect on me; I think there was a TED talk about letting people know when they’ve helped you…this might actually be from a TED talk.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

Love this. It kind of goes with some previous quotes, but I think it’s an important step to actually living your life. I definitely used to think my goals were something that I’d achieve in the future and then be happy, but really I enjoy learning and living as I take steps towards my goals.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

This has kind of been what’s fueled my insanely busy college years. For one thing, I’ve found that keeping myself busy helped me with concealed depression. Another is that, ironically, the more things I started juggling, the better I did in most (maybe all) of them. For example, my GPA went up after I got involved. My social life became more active. I was happier with my friends. I started working out more. Somehow I actually started getting more sleep. And I was generally just happier with myself. I guess one of my fears with moving to DC is that I think adjusting to being not-insanely-busy all of the time will lead to a decrease in my quality of life. I’m hoping I can find new things to get involved in / new friends to prevent this from happening. Also, I’m now very cognizant of it. So I’m not that worried.

A candle loses no light when lighting others. Build others up whenever you can, support those close to you and help whoever you can – you never know when the tables will turn!

I think this goes very well with Ohio State’s “Pay It Forward” motto. I don’t want to say that I didn’t used to have this perspective…but I’ve definitely made a more conscious effort in the last few years to help others whenever I can, with hope that good karma will come my way when I need it. I’ve only told one person to this, but I always buy a newspaper from Joe in front of Starbucks whenever I want something good to happen in my life. So far it’s worked ;).

P.S. I think I’ve found that my true calling in life is blogging / finding GIFs. It’s addicting and fun. In other news, I have two papers due in 24 hours so I should probably stop procrastinating on them…

How I’ll feel after graduating from Buckeye Leadership Fellows:

 

My favorite quote (that I take to relate to vulnerability):

Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out. – John Green, Paper Towns

Note: The Osprey is a old abandoned office building. This doesn’t really affect the quote. It just might be confusing reading it.

So much wisdom from John Green…

I recently came across this article titled “11 Habits of People With Concealed Depression”. I thought of myself and many conversations I’ve had with “involved” students of the kinds of the students that seem to have every aspect of their life together and be good at everything. So let’s go through some of my favorite points.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.

Definitely resonates. I don’t think I do this intentionally, but when I do I think it fools me as much as other people. Sometimes I’ll be very unhappy / depressed at night and then the next day people comment on how upbeat I seem. Maybe it’s natural coping. Idk.

2. They may have habitual remedies.

I think this is my way of “getting over” depression. I can tell when I haven’t worked out in a few days. I get depressed. My habitual remedy would be working out / running. From the article, “anything they know can get themselves out of a sinking set of emotions. Concealed depression has a lot to do with the ways people try to personally conquer their own demons.” Guilty.

3. They may have trouble with abandonment.

I…can’t think of a time when this applies to my own life, but I can’t really say anyone has ever abandoned me. I’ve gotten good at pivoting between friend groups if one friendship seems to be dying down. However, I think I may be guilty of this. There have been times when I’ve gotten to know someone a little bit and mentally thought that person would drag my already sometimes delicate psyche down, and therefore begun kind of avoiding them. People say you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so I don’t want one of those people to be mentally / emotionally unstable; what if they rub off on me?!

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.

Yup. This was me in high school / early college. I now strive to have a more normal sleep schedule, because I found it does help me “conquer” depression. Also, I’ve found that 90% of the time, depression hits me at night. I used to dwell on it / get emotional / stay up late, but now I try to force myself to go to sleep with the mindset “I’ll feel better in the morning” (which I always do).

9. They are often searching for a purpose.

I think this applies to most college students. “They may become incredibly involved in the pursuit of true happiness. They are also striving and searching for more.”Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” I don’t see this as a bad thing (although I guess you could go overboard); it’s something that motivates me.

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.

What comes to mind is VULNERABILITY. Again, I don’t entirely see this as cries for help, but being vulnerable and authentic. Most of my friends know I’ve been minority depressed in the past / still sometimes now. I’m open about it because I know deep down a lot of them have had these feelings too.

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does.

But like why am I still single? 😉

If I could add a 12, it would be something along the lines of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). One reason I want to move to a warmer climate is that warm air / sun has a really positive impact on my mood. I love when the days are longer and I can go running outside. It’s therapeutic / I guess as close to spirituality as I come.

I feel like I should go back and edit this, but I’m both out of time for today, and part of me likes that I haven’t edited it because I think in editing it I would take out some of the vulnerability. Sorry if some of the things don’t make sense :). GOING TO WORKOUT NOW (see #2).

I’m starting this semester off in a very good position. I have a job lined up (in DC!) for after graduation, my GPA is the highest it’s been since first quarter freshman year, and I’m planning spring break / a post-grad trip to Europe. I think last semester I did a really good job of finding balance between all aspects of my life, and I hope that continues into this semester (it has so far but I haven’t had any exams or real work due yet).

I’m still recovering from mono that I had in December, specifically in regards to the level of physical wellness that I had achieved before the disease. I’m increasing my focus on physical wellness to try to regain some of the muscle I lost, and have even considered running the Cap City Half Marathon on May 2. I still haven’t decided if I’m actually going to do it, but I’ll report back soon ;).

I have several areas of trepidation in regards to this semester. First, I’m in a masters-level databases class that is extremely difficult, so I’m planning to spend most of my academic time this semester on that class. I’m a little worried about passing, but I’ve said that before and never had issues. The second major area of trepidation is that I have 3 large projects to complete this semester. These are (1) the Buckeye Leadership Fellows Capstone, (2) the project for my Electrical & Computer Engineering Capstone Class, and (3) a huge research project for my database class previously referenced. Thankfully, all three of these projects are team-based, but I still may have some time balancing / thriving in all three of them, especially if I focus on enjoying the last semester of college as planned.

So I guess the answer to “how am I starting to this semester” is…as best I can! I’m trying to use my previous 7 semesters’ experience to get off on a good foot and really find balance in all areas of wellness in order to thrive.

Thriving college students not only are academically successful, they also experience a sense of community and a level of psychological well-being that contributes to their persistence to graduation and allows them to gain maximum benefit from being in college. – The Thriving Project

In regards to what I want to do / gain / build this semester, I want to get one step closer to wellness and focus on thriving. I really like Ohio State’s definition of wellness because it’s active and ongoing.

“Wellness is an active, ongoing process which involves becoming aware of and taking steps toward a healthier, happier, successful life.”

First and foremost, I want to pass all of my classes and graduate with a degree in ECE & minor in Business. I also want to do well on all 3 projects (2 capstone / 1 research). Next, I want to be mentally / emotionally / physically well. I want to especially focus on being physically well before spring break, because of course I want my pre-mono beach bod back ;). Finally, I want to really enjoy the next 13 weeks I have with friends that I made the past four years. I want to cross things off my bucket list (which includes simple things like playing the piano in the Union which I still haven’t done). This is effectively my last 13 weeks in Columbus, because after graduation I’ll be in Europe for 30-40 days, and after that I have to move to Washington, DC! Ahh!

Unrelated but I wanted to use this GIF: I hear people talking about Linear Algebra, Differential Equations, Calculus, Chemistry, and all the other terrible classes I took freshman – sophomore year. At this point, I forget so much that I’m like: